i remembered while putting esmé to bed last night. i was telling her a story about one of my grandmothers. she only really lives in one of my memories about a trip to kmart, starring my incessant and - in retrospect and from my somewhat adult vantage point - annoying requests that she buy me a toy. i called her leona harvey, which is probably why she said no to every request.
esmé's favorite parts of my stories are always the ones i invent. like how this leona harvey character asked me to sit on her lap and i said no, i did not think that would be a good idea. but she insisted and you know how grandmothers are and you kind of know how i am...so i sat in her lap and then sneezed on her face so that she would never ever never again make the mistake of making me do something i did not wish to do.
that did not really happen with me and leona harvey. it did, however, happen with a work friend of my father's.
when i told esmé about my dad's birthday, she smiled, cooed a little as she does when she sees a shade of sadness, and then asked "did you love him?"
i told her he was my favorite person. and how, every time i'm with my oldest brother, i get a lump in my throat. he reminds me so much of my dad.
you know, my brother emptied out everything of my dad's after he died. his gun collection, his cane collection, all of his tools and anything else that had belonged to him. he took everything home and set it all out where he could see them anytime he wanted to see them. the rest of us didn't care one bit. not one. they had been best friends and we were all glad they'd had each other.
used to be, he and my dad spoke nightly after either seeing each other or speaking a few times during the day. for a few weeks after my dad died, i think he called my mom or one of my uncles or anyone else who could possibly take my dad's place as his best friend.
i don't think he's ever found another.
sometimes, when i try to define true love, i think of those two.
do you ever wonder how hard people will miss you after you're long gone? i do.
eh. it's probably my doctor's appointment or maybe that my mammogram is scheduled for thursday or maybe that i'm just plain worry-head. seriously: i'm convinced i have every cancer symptom google-able. even the silent ones.
happy monday, you. did you have a sweetheart weekend like i told you to have? say yes...photos from hella cool stash studios. look for one of those cuffs to appear in my weekly wrist post someday soon. and? her model is named esme. did you know i love that name?
17 comments:
damn you. in a good way...crying again
sending good thoughts for Thursday.
If I haven't told you? no bad things can happen this week. It's my birthday week and I've set the rules so I think Thursday will be perfect.
xo
r
You're such a dear, but I need to stop reading you while at work. You make me look like such a pansy.
All my best.
those girliess 3 of yours are lucky to have the same friendship with you now! and thursday will be fine. just fine. lots of goodness your way! xo
today is my mom's birthday too...my first without her.
i'll eat a piece of cake in their honor if you will too :)
xo, em
One more beautiful post that makes my eyes teary. I do wonder how much people will miss me and it terrifies me. I am not scared of dying but I get paralyzed when I think what my daughter's life would be without me. Will she miss me terribly?.. will she forget about me?... chills.
oh, richie! i always make you misty! let's do something funny for your birthday!
kelly...pansies are among my fave blooms!
caroline. that was nice. very very.
oh, emily. i'm sorry.
ana. ME, TOO! that's why i'm so worried! just the thought...ugh.
xoxo. and thank you, all!
beautiful, definitly brought me tears. I agree with Ana, That is what terrifies me the most. Bring you lots of good thoughts for your appointment.
Jesus, Karey! Way to get my eyes all teary before lunch. I'm so close with my parents and can't/don't want to even THINK about what it would be like to not have them answer the phone when I call.
i love this so very much. it makes my heart happy and sad all at the same time. What a bond, the kind some people only hear about.
Oh, I hope this week goes fast for you + that appt will be long gone. Sending you some happy shiny thoughts! xoxoxxo trina
ana summed up my thoughts about dying ~ i never want to leave the crumb. ever.
and all this talk about doctor's appointments really makes me nervous. secret confession here, i don't like doctors. nothing personal towards them, but i just don't go. maybe it's the 'ignorance is bliss thing'. please tell me all is okay and this is just standard routine stuff.
My mom died two years ago, and I cried in the car today when I realized my oh-so-down-to-earth-just-like-her 8 year old daughter would not have her throughout her growing up finding herself years to define herself in relation to. She has me and many other adult women but no one at all like my mom.
Then the latest country song came on the radio, "Teenage Daugters" by Martina McBride. Listen to it if you have not.
such a beautiful post. ever since we adopted my daughter 5 months ago, I can't help wonder who would step into my role in her life if something were to happen to me, and if they'd do a better job than I can.
I love your words.
true beautiful family love.
best of luck with your tests. [don't read too deeply into google-diagnoses! i've convinced myself of some scary things...]
our karey.
thursday will be a day of bended knee, hands to hearts, foreheads to floors, conversations with the universe.
whatever one's preference is with "prayer" or like....we'll be there.
so many lovely thoughts coming your way...u the girlie's 3 and u.s. shall shine on for decades to come. pinky promise! hus m
Whatever happens after Thursday, you are strong enough to handle it. I know it.
something that happens every day. hour. minute. second.... death... and it seems so hard to think and talk about. you are making me miss my grandma...
love your post.
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