12 March 2012

suffering...

when my sister was dying...i mean, truly dying...and the only appointments she took were from people who gave her a bath or medicine that wouldn't touch her pain plus those who wanted to give their goodbyes, we still giggled.




it was kind of funny the way they'd panic and fill the air with their own maladies. me you same same, do you know?

talks of summer colds and lumps that turned out to be nothing, thank god, and battles with a jackass of a love became conversation starters and enders when all lin probably wanted to talk about was manicures. or dinner plans. or her size four levis that she would have died to fit into once upon a time. but now that she was dying, they were too big. or something other than how we're all suffering.

that was a given, in her mind.

but, still, she'd coo and empathize and make everyone around her feel less pain. while she was suffering silently with her own. couldn't talk about that, though, could we?

all day i've complained about my root canal. it's the pain plus the fear plus the pissed-off feelings i have because i didn't cause this. he did.

but on my way home, armed with prescriptions for antibiotics and vicodin and a few cadbury eggs to be taken as needed, i saw a mini parade of wheelchairs. little kids being pushed in the sunshine. their heads to one side, their hands trying to stretch to touch the sky...just enjoying the moment. joy in all that pain.



if lin was next to me right now, she'd coo and tell me how sad she was feeling for me. root canals are the worst! she'd say. and i would laugh and ask as bad as cancer? and she'd laugh and probably swear and say even worse!

and we'd both know it wasn't true, but it was a much better thing to say than good-bye.

here and here.

23 comments:

Amie aka @mammaloves said...

So much better than saying goodbye...

Miss B. said...

I am so sorry about your root canal, those are no fun and good thing you have those emergency Cadbury eggs 'just in case', one never knows of course when they will be needed. It breaks my heart to read about your sister, there seemed to be an ocean of love there, sending you more virtual love your way:) Now go kiss those perfect babies of yours for me!

Kerry said...

Dentistry of any kind sucks.

So does cancer, especially when it's got someone you love in its maws.

Kelly and Kelly said...

I'm glad the root canal is over. For me the anticipation is almost as bad as the actual procedure. And I'm getting 4 wisdom teeth out Thursday!

saying goodbye would be no good.....

Kaylen said...

Going is the dentist always seems like the worst to me....but I haven't ever been dying of cancer either. I did have a clogged artery last year and was a candidate to have a bypass...but it didn't seem like the worst because I was so drugged up when I had to speak with the heart surgeon. I imagine the aftermath of bypass surgery would be the worst too. But probably still not as bad as cancer truly is.

Good luck to you! So glad to hear that you and esme are safe and sound.

Your sister sounds like an amazing woman.

me... said...

this post about lin gutted me. tonight I am writing my brother a letter pleading with him to stop lighting those damn death sticks. I lost my father in law to lung cancer. he would have turned 72 this week.

Richie Designs said...

it's 8pm and I'm just now eating dinner. so I'm shoving mouthfuls of food in and reading and

LUMP {gulp}

here I was complaining all day about my cold and hacking up a lung along the way. I think I complained about every.single.minute.of.my.day because they were ALL annoying.

the wheelchair parade officially broke my heart, your root canal and lin, but that goes without saying.

xo

beth said...

i'm a dental assistant :)
and i think you'll be surprised, maybe even amazed at how "not bad" it will be.....

and so much better then saying good-bye !
xo

Simply Mel {Reverie} said...

your words knocked the breath right out of me. written straight from your soul.

perspective is a skill we all could learn to sharpen a little more.

kelli said...

man, why is it the good ones that have to suffer and then leave. but still, when they do, their presence is so much bigger than all the rest who stay? I'm sorry she's gone. and your words about her are the ones I always read over and over just to feel something new and strong. thank you.

to look at things differently- that is my survival.

Heather said...

so true, all of it. and look what your sister left you - truly a gift - a wonderful perspective to fall back on when you need to. and you so smart to remember the gift and hold on to it.

Erin@lovesomeblog.com said...

*swoon*

just beautiful, karey.

exactly why i come here.

elodierose said...

You're precious. I can imagine your girlies one day reading back through all these posts and being able to remember your darling sister.
What a wonderful reason to write.

Relyn said...

Your Lin was one special lady. I love that she is always with you. You're blessed in that, you know? Of course you know.

Uncle Beefy said...

My warm, wet eyes and aching heart are a testament to the love and sincerity in your writing, lovely lady.

What a blessing your sister is in your life and now a blessing in ours. This post alone is a testament to her legacy.

And, while root canals may not be cancer it is what you have to suffer in your own world. And, for that I wish it a speedy departure.

You are magic in this world.

xo
UB :)

melissa loves said...

....you slay me, my friend. Lin sounds like just the most beautiful of beauties. I am so sorry she isn't here. And I am so sorry for your pain. All of it. Those little ones reaching for the sky...slay. I am going to stretch higher for the sky, myself, today. Thanks for that....
xoxo
Melis

Carlyree said...

Completely heartbreaking and perfectly written. Was following along agreeing with your wise perspective, and BOOM, was gutted by your clincher of an ending. Nothing short of sobbing on my end. Didn't even see it coming. You, my dear, possess a special, rare talent. Thanks as always for sharing. Truly inspirational in oh-so-many ways.

mrs. darling said...

How much more beautiful and lovely our world is because if your sweet Lin.

Sisters are like that.

the lil bee said...

I love you. Tons.

Lin sounds like she was the best kind of sister, friend, person, aunt, everything.

And, you know what? You are just like her. Because even if you feel like you're complaining about your tooth a lot, all I hear when we talk are questions about my girls and the million and three things you've thought of to help me get out of this rotten hole. You're a good egg, K. Better than any Cadbury.

xo

kim poler said...

lumps and goosebumps. your writing does that to me.
thank you.

KIARA - JUEGOS DE VESTIR said...

your sister is a remarkable woman ... this article really excited me ...
very good post .. thanks for sharing with us ..
greetings ..

Schmutzie said...

You really touched me today.

TX Girl said...

I'm thankful for your irreverence and your maids and your girlies three and your uncle sugar and your sisters and the way you string together simple words to make powerful statements. Thank you for reminding me that life shouldn't be mediocre.