06 July 2011

mind reading...

last night, i was reading a few encyclopedia brown cases to esmé. she is so enamored with bugs meany that it makes me nervous.

she started a question about something or other, and i answered her before she really even asked.

"how do you do that?" she wondered. "how do you know what i'm thinking before i think it?"

"part magic," i answered. "but mostly because i made you, and i know everything inside you."

so she looked off into nothing, blanked out her face, and tried to test me. "what am i thinking now?"

i fake-scowled and replied sternly, "i'm telling daddy."

she couldn't believe it. "how did you know i was thinking about fat lady bums?"

this went on for minutes and minutes and giggles galore and thoughts so naughty...well...they'd make bugs meany cringe. a little while later, she fell asleep on my lap before we cracked the case of the stomach puncher. and for the first time in my life since the girlies three, i felt a pang. an i'm-going-to-miss-this ache.

i've never looked back and missed. it's just not me. i tend to like the next a little more than the last. i love change so much, i'd marry her. and one more day with my girlies three is such a blinding gift that i rarely think about yesterday.

but there are moments when one of my three believes in me so hard and with so much faith - no matter what nonsense tale i'm spinning - that i already ache about the day that will end.

this morning, she asked grae if she knew that i could read their minds. i heard grae answer, "yeah."

"how does she do it?" esmé asked.

"she made us," explained grae. i could feel her shrug, like this was a fact that everyone should know. like this was the same as the result of nine times anything adds up to nine. "so she knows what's inside us."

this is probably silly and even i'm rolling my eyes, but do you know that i still half-believe that my mom and dad worked for santa claus? it's kind of possible if you're bad with dates and facts. also, that my mom knew the penny wish fairy personally, so - damn it - how rude would i be if i didn't make a wish on every lone penny i found?

i rarely believe in important things. that sounds strange to say, but i'm one of those people who see both sides depending on the moment. that might be a by-product of traveling and living far away for so long. or it could just be a quirk. i also like believing small, if that makes sense. it's more manageable to me. plus i am allergic to super-declarative people. i think most people who feel like they have a ton to say...shouldn't.

that sounds mean, doesn't it? i don't mean to be mean.

sometimes i feel guilty about all that. sometimes i like to practice having louder opinions. it rarely works, though, because i keep holding on to one or more pieces of magic and hope and what-if and maybe.

i guess i just like believing in things that require belief to live on.

there was a day last week when i was a shite mom. it happens. i was short-tempered and rude and mean. and all of a sudden out of the clear black night, i thought to myself that my sister, lin, would be really disappointed in me. you know that story; she was good and generous up until the minute she died. never petty, never complained...no matter how much pain.

a little while before she died, we went to an outdoor market together. we bought a big red bird cage for my mom, and she bought me this folk art piece that made me gasp. it plays that song...oh, i no longer know the real words. when it's wound, it pays a tune and i always sing "a time to remember...that day in september...la la la la...la la la la." anyway. i rarely wind it up. it makes me cry.

but in the middle of me acting like a total jerk to my girlies three, it started playing. and in strolled a grinning esmé.

"lin told me to play that song," she said simply and so matter-of-fact that it felt like a sucker punch.


i'm karey m. and i believe in angels.

photos from here, here, and here.


Kelly said...

1. my mom's always said the same "i made you"s to me.
2. you're one of the very best of the best mothers i've ever met.
3. you help me believe in magic.

Ana Degenaar said...

You are the sweetest mom I've ever met, I think that even those things you call being a shite mom are like me being nice to Emma. Emma has a naughty traveling plastic circle and I use that thing. I do. I am in love with your stories. They make my day.

Jana said...

I'm sitting here, nonchalantly eating my yogurt and blueberries when, bam! I start crying. You're the sweetest writer and I'm sure the sweetest mom. (Disclaimer: my first baby is due in December so maybe crying is going to be my 'thing' now). Have a fabulous day!

Kerry said...

I agree. You are a good mommy. I like your insight and the way you present it.

I also believe in angels and ghosts. My mom is still there for me when I need her.

kate said...

I liked this story. A lot.

Loui♥ said...

how I love visiting..
and even being the fly on the wall..
love all your stories..
you transport me back to the days of young motherhood..
(and yes, the ache can still knock me in the gut without warning!)
yours would be a best seller..
please consider publishing...
your girlies have reason to believe..
as do I!!!
warmest hugs!

Superfluous Fabulous said...

karey, you blow my mind. if you only knew all the laughter and tears and sweetness and joy that this blog has sliced into my little lunch/reading breaks. how blessed you and your girlies are to live in each other's worlds!
hugs from an interwebs stranger, my dear.

Carlyree said...

So moving I can hardly find words to thank you for such a beautiful perspective on mommyhood, sisterhood, and faith. I adore every bit of this and kind of feel super lucky I ever found your blog. I plan on extra hugs and kisses and giggles with my son today. The realization that this sweetheart-toddler stage is quickly slipping through my fingers breaks my heart every single day. Keep these beauties coming, please! :D & Happiest of Wednesdays to you!!!

karey m. said...

kelly...i already love the mom who made you.

ana! a traveling plastic circle! that sounds deadly! ahaha! i love her soulful little looks...you could never be mean to that little thing!

jana...crying should not be your "thing." we should make your thing diamonds or drinking champagne or even chocolate. not tears!

kerry...kindred spirits. i like your name, too.

kate. xoxo. a lot.

loui-love. i don't know that i'm a book writer kind of a girl. we shall see. we shall see. xoox

s.f. those are NICE words to me! thank you for sending them. i'm going to tell pat that a stranger loves me! ha!

carlyree...i misted up when i got to "slipping through my fingers." whoa. beautiful.

xoxo all!

Kelly Utah said...

Karey M. you just make my day.

Keep it up my sweet lady. And write a book or something. Something that I can spend all weekend reading.

Katie said...

Your stories are always beautiful, but this one is extra-beautiful today. When I get home, I'm giving my mom a ridiculous hug.

And Encyclopedia Brown! I had a bit of a crush on him when I was about five. I guess I've always been a sucker for the brainy type.

Simply Mel {Reverie} said...

"i've never looked back and missed. it's just not me. i tend to like the next a little more than the last." ~ will you add this to either a mackink or t.ruffle 2012 calendar? Superb in every way...like you.

Stephanie @ henry happened said...

First, I love your girls' names. Lovely.

Second, it totally sucks to step back & realize you're being a shite mom. But we've all had 'em. Thanks for reminding us to look forward not regret.

Anonymous said...

i stalk your blog. sounds strange, i know because anyone can read it, but in my mind i feel like i've stumbled upon some wonderful place where i don't belong. i guess i feel like i'm on the outside looking in a lot, but it's okay with me--i actually kind of like it. thing is, my cat ran away and i just found out that she won't ever be coming back. i prayed and prayed for a sign--just to dream of her, to know if she was safe, alive--to know anything. she was an indoor cat and if she got out in the past, she always came right back, but she didn't this time and i knew in my heart i would never see her again. it's only been 3 weeks, but i just can't find peace--i'm fine one minute and then suddenly i hear this guttural cry, and i pause and listen only to find it's me. then i thought of you and lin and how you probably wished for one more minute, one more talk or one more anything with her. i'm sorry if i'm insulting you by comparing your loss to mine and i feel guilty when i wish out loud just to see her or touch her again. i feel guilty knowing that you lost lin and i just lost a cat. but i don't think love recognizes animals or people--if you love someone or something, you love them, you know? this cat was like me--we bonded in a way in which i never bonded with an animal. i don't love her more than my other cats or my dog, but i loved her in a different way. so as i was sitting here sobbing uncontrollably, i decided to see what you had to say and of course i was crying even harder as i read your post, but you always seem to say what i need to hear at the exact moment i need to hear it. i'm so thankful for you.

Miss B. said...

How is it, even in a sweet + touching post that pulls on one's heart strings you could still manage to flawlessly pull a zinger out such as:

"...i love change so much, i'd marry her."

You are quite gifted young lady.


Miss B.

Ms.S said...

I love your writing, your are gifted with words.
I was laughing so hard at the "fat lady bums" I could imagine her and your expression. so funny.. and the rest.. was just show how honest sweet and loving you are...

I hope you have a good day.


Katie said...

Can you please teach me how to love change? I'm terrified of changes that haven't even happened.

Caroline said...

i have chills and a smile on my face. and maybe a tear or 2.

Richie Designs said...

holy heck. I just lost my breathe for a second.


Heather said...

so, wow, did that really happen? amazing. life is amazing.

Nicole {coastal family living} said...

beautiful! This is so touching in so many ways. I love that you remind us to not look in the past, each day is a gift and we need to focus on the present or the fun thing planned next. I somtimes find myself get sucked into focusing on what was so I don't forget it, but I know deep down it is impossible to ever forget such wonderful things as our children growing up. Thanks for the beautiful post...again!

Krystal Celeste said...

I'm usually just a blurker.. but this blog has me in tears, and I had tell you just how much I love reading what you write. Your words, your stories they always seem to make me laugh or cry. Whenever I need a smile I know I can count on your blog for that. Thanks for sharing pieces of your life with us! :)

Sherry said...

Oh, Gad! I've been on vacay and could hardly wait to get cell service so I could read about your week. I had no idea you'd gut wrench me while I still smell like sunscreen. One of my fave things I've read in soo soo long. Mostly because I'd marry change in a second, too--and angels are oh so magical and I love magic, too.

And, please do know that every year with your girlies three will be just as magical as the last. I once was afraid of that too--but it just keeps getting better and better for me. They may not say funny things as much anymore but they become such wonderful people that it makes you smile all day long-even when you aren't in the mood to smile.

Elizabeth @claritychaos said...

oh man, karey. this whole post made my cry. just beautiful.