25 November 2009

like optimus prime...

the house was chill silent this morning. i peeked over at esmé. sprawled out on top of the comforter and quilt despite the cold and despite the ceiling fan throwing more chilly air on her.

no matter. that little thing runs warm. plus she has her own personal hot water bottle. his name is uncle sugar.

anyway. i went on a run. it's raining here, but i figured i couldn't freeze any more than i already was. i probably couldn't get any grumpier, either. thanksgiving always puts me in a mood. i do not enjoy a thursday telling me to be grateful.

anyway. i hooked chris brown and lil wayne into my ears, smiled to myself, and headed for the trail. oh. did i ever tell you i turn into seventeen-year old hooch when i run? the sort who applies for a career opportunity at the local dance establishment.

go ahead, lil mama. i could transform ya. know i can't dance, but i could dance on ya.

anyway. i saw one arrogant great dane wearing a red sweater. one boxer looking for a fight. many goofy mutts. one white squirrel, who left me wondering if she was the christie brinkley of the squirrel world...or an outcast.

and then i saw a girl. running toward me. music hooked in her ears. she was smiling. she waved. she passed. and i gasped.

she smelled like a ralph lauren scent that sent me straight back to high school. and i don't know what the heck happened next, but i felt a bizarre rush of sad and happy and regret and tears and giggles and guilt and hope. all at once. intense, for sure.

because i'm certainly not a girl who minds getting older. i've always enjoyed being exactly where i am. who i am. but if you asked me, at that moment, would i go back?

i might've said yes.

i could change your life. make you so new. make you never want to go back to the old you.

i'd play more tennis with my dad. look him in his eyes and tell him how i'd miss him. beg him to stay so he could see the babies i'd someday make. understand sooner that lillie swims upstream. against all currents. feed grae more of my time. i fear there were moments when she went hungry while i was giving lill all those swimming lessons. i'd vacuum less. paint more. i'd watch love, actually with my sister one more time. and sob like babies with her again during phenomenon. i thought this was an alien movie! she wailed in that dark theater. i laughed so hard and so unapologetically loud while i was crying. just as unapologetically hard and loud. thinking god damn, lin...do not leave me. i wouldn't be shy. i'd dance somewhere other than my kitchen. i'd sing. i'd say yes more. say no more. i'd say it. i would say it.

knees weak, i'll stand you up.

anyway. i'm home now. feeling grateful for exactly where i am. who i am.

i ran warm.

most days, i tell myself i run to get faster and stronger. most days, i feel like i'm in some kind of race. but really? i think i just want legs like these. all from weheartit, but two originated on vild, ville, vann...a pretty genius space on tumblr.


Anonymous said...

I'm thankful for your words.

emily b. said...

love this. your words are (as always) exactly what i needed today :)

kathleen said...

i just got back from what was supposed to be a run but turned walk...just wasn't in it today. so thank you for these photos of these amazing legs, b/c now i just feel guilt.

and btw...i love that you run now.


A-M said...

Heading out for my morning walk....just had to get my morning dose of 'ink'. Don't smells do that to you! They jog my memories more than anything. Just between you and me, I had such an unfortunate childhood that I shut the memories out as soon as they creep up on me. It's a skill I work on nearly every day.... but it ensures happiness and thanksgiving daily! I miss your sister and your Dad for you today. They sounded so special. I am so glad you have happy memories of them. A-M xx PS I could seriously do with a pair of legs like that but I'm a shortie so they would never work..


I'm so thankful you're back to blogging on a regular basis.
You have a beautiful perspective on life and I missed your words.

Plus I LOVE t.ruffle.


Simply Mel said...

I would run warm 24/7 if I could have those legs, but really, I'm grateful just to have your words and being me, the non-runner.

Amanda said...

Oh...I love your words. They speak to me. I just got back from a lunchtime swim and I love the feeling I have when I get home from a hard exercise session. There is nothing like it.

I too am a hoochie when I am running. I LOVE that bad music.

mrs. darling said...

i don't believe in running to anything other than bad music. if you can't be a hooch when running then when can you?

and that pink rosette skirt? and those bracelets? they caused me to suck all the oxygen from the room. so completely perfect.

Anonymous said...

i wouldn't run even if someone was trying to rob me.
i'm grateful for exactly where and who you are too.

Richie Designs said...

thank YOU, no really THANK you, and THANK YOU.

the ralph lauren in the square bottle? yes I can smell it now. isn't it bizarre to you the way smells rush you back. I don't understand how powerful it is. and the legs? only in my dreams will I ever have knees that aren't chubby. mine are always, have always been except that time I was 13, it lasted 5 minutes.

happy turkey, or meatloaf whatever you would like my dear.

Beverley said...

What a post. It truly left me breathless...

Thank you!

Kay* said...

i always look forward to reading your words...what a great post.

& i think the fact that you were listening to 'transform you' by chris brown featuring lil' wayne made me like you even more.


shellbell said...

awww... this made me misty-eyed. beautiful post.

Anonymous said...

Im full of awe in whatever you write!

From Far Away Singapore!


Relyn said...

I love your strong sense of self. And the way you've managed to instill that into your girlies three so quickly.

Brandie said...

Beautiful, as always.

Anonymous said...

i'm glad you ran warm. :)
this was a good one to read. it reminded me to cherish it all, be less reserved, do more things that i love and things i haven't done so that i will not regret not doing them, and love out loud (ha, how cheezy sounding).

Rachel said...

running in the rain will do wonders. i got back from thanksgiving break to a heartbreaking email from a friend. your words made me feel better. so thanks. :)

Melissa de la Fuente said...

God....you have gutted me....and I know exactly what you mean. exactly. and I have the same playlist,practically, something has to make me move my ass. I adore you and your writing and can't believe I have missed all of this brilliance over here......where have I been?

Mrs.French said...

there they are...the tears that only you can bring to my eyes. this post is so beautiful. once again, i am speechless. i also wish my runs produced such enlightenment....mostly just sweat and gasping for air...apparently, i need to conjure my inner hooch.
xo t
it appears i am not speechless....