the house was chill silent this morning. i peeked over at esmé. sprawled out on top of the comforter and quilt despite the cold and despite the ceiling fan throwing more chilly air on her.
no matter. that little thing runs warm. plus she has her own personal hot water bottle. his name is uncle sugar.
anyway. i went on a run. it's raining here, but i figured i couldn't freeze any more than i already was. i probably couldn't get any grumpier, either. thanksgiving always puts me in a mood. i do not enjoy a thursday telling me to be grateful.
anyway. i hooked chris brown and lil wayne into my ears, smiled to myself, and headed for the trail. oh. did i ever tell you i turn into seventeen-year old hooch when i run? the sort who applies for a career opportunity at the local dance establishment.
go ahead, lil mama. i could transform ya. know i can't dance, but i could dance on ya.
anyway. i saw one arrogant great dane wearing a red sweater. one boxer looking for a fight. many goofy mutts. one white squirrel, who left me wondering if she was the christie brinkley of the squirrel world...or an outcast.
and then i saw a girl. running toward me. music hooked in her ears. she was smiling. she waved. she passed. and i gasped.
she smelled like a ralph lauren scent that sent me straight back to high school. and i don't know what the heck happened next, but i felt a bizarre rush of sad and happy and regret and tears and giggles and guilt and hope. all at once. intense, for sure.
because i'm certainly not a girl who minds getting older. i've always enjoyed being exactly where i am. who i am. but if you asked me, at that moment, would i go back?
i might've said yes.
i could change your life. make you so new. make you never want to go back to the old you.
i'd play more tennis with my dad. look him in his eyes and tell him how i'd miss him. beg him to stay so he could see the babies i'd someday make. understand sooner that lillie swims upstream. against all currents. feed grae more of my time. i fear there were moments when she went hungry while i was giving lill all those swimming lessons. i'd vacuum less. paint more. i'd watch love, actually with my sister one more time. and sob like babies with her again during phenomenon. i thought this was an alien movie! she wailed in that dark theater. i laughed so hard and so unapologetically loud while i was crying. just as unapologetically hard and loud. thinking god damn, lin...do not leave me. i wouldn't be shy. i'd dance somewhere other than my kitchen. i'd sing. i'd say yes more. say no more. i'd say it. i would say it.
knees weak, i'll stand you up.
anyway. i'm home now. feeling grateful for exactly where i am. who i am.
i ran warm.