02 December 2012

stars



so i heard this song and couldn't help the ache in my gut that this was a song written for me. or perhaps for those i love so hard that i already miss them. you know that feeling, yes? i know you probably do.

i was explaining to my fierce grae-rose why it means too much to me. it means esmé to me, actually. which is too much to me. here's how i explained it to grae.

she is borrowed. my sister was not supposed to meet lillie kate. my dad hadn't met her, and i expected nothing less from lin. it was flattening, for sure. but jesus. she stuck around. and she stuck around for grae. and beyond all beyonds, she stuck around for esmé, too. and two weeks after esmé came - poof - she was stolen from all of us.

make no mistake: it was the very thought of esmé that kept her here longer. she knew that our dad hadn't met any of my babies, and it was like she had to be able to describe them to him the next time she saw him. for that, i'm forever grateful. the air leaves me every time i think of her heavenly baggage, but i thank her every time i gasp.

and i've forgiven that theft. i have. it shocks me still, but i've forgiven the loss.

yet esmé remains a shaking of my head enigma. she is the best of me with the heart of my sister and an inbred history that surprise me at every turn. how the hell does she know lin loved sweet and salty treats? icy water? kindness when it's way easier to be mean? pink grapefruit. red velvet. your smile. whatever you've chosen to wear today. whatever you choose to wear tomorrow.

man, lin. she loved it all. such a fucking loss. i mean it. the more time that passes, i feel like a crime was committed. i'd like to file a missing persons report. because, god damn it, i miss her.

how did esmé get here, i wonder. how did i win that lottery? how the heck did someone know i needed her like air? it was a favor, for sure. and i don't know who to pay back. seven years later and i'm still waiting for someone to tell me okay...she got you through the tough part...you're on your own again, karey. you can handle it. best of luck to you.




i digress. back to the song. and back to my borrowed esmé. i explained it all to grae and she cried. and for a second i felt bad about how their lives have made them feel so emotional and temporary. and then i was grateful. because life should be something over which we weep. it should cause panic over ohmygod is it over already?! it's an insane gift, isn't it? glad they're learning this earlier than some. earlier than i did, for sure.

i think we're all borrowed for a second or two. snatched back at any minute. and we should all be treated as such, yes?

yes.

25 comments:

Helene said...

My heart just aches reading this. But loves it all the same.

I read you.

xoxo
Helene

Amy said...

Let me know if you figure out where to file that missing person's report. I'd like to file one for my younger brother who was so much wiser than me.

peege said...

Crying

Ali said...

You know, when I see a new Mackin Ink pop up in my Google Reader, I stop whatever I'm doing and read it immediately. And then usually laugh/cry at the truth in your words. I've been writing a story about my mom this past weekend - about her food and how she brought us all together with it. We spent our first Thanksgiving without her and now entering the Christmas season, I know - I just KNOW what you mean about a fucking loss. Thank you, as always, for putting these words down for the rest of us.

Kelly and Kelly said...

your words continue to amaze me and knock me to my knees with tears.

ale norris said...

oh, this post brought tears to my eyes. my sister passed away five years ago, and sometimes when i accidentally think about her, i can truly & physically feel her in my heart. you're so lucky to have a mini-sister in your daughter :)
-ale

katie fiddler said...

oh, heart. you write words that make me want to live life the way it's meant to be lived.

DDay said...

This wrecks me. But I am so grateful for you.

Ames said...

You write so beautifully.

Megan said...

Oh man, Karey. That song. This post. All of it.

xoxo

Krystal Celeste said...

This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing. :)

krista said...

fuck, karey.
yesterday was my brother's birthday. he has been dead 20 years.
before i gave birth (via c-section) to my son i thought of my brother.
my brother was a surgical nurse so it makes sense i would feel him there - in that cold and oddly clean surgical room. my son came out looking exactly like him.
just...
your sister. our borrowed time with these people.
it kills me.
and i haven't learned it yet.

Mary said...

God that's beautiful, Karey. You have a wonderful way of looking at things as well as an amazingly ability to express them.

Richie Designs said...

so lovely

miss k, does Amazon deliver to Jakarta? I'm hoping you can get this book somehow [or I'll send it to you] I've bought handfuls giving it to girlfriends. It feels like you wrote part of it really. I keep saying that this blog of yours is a book. Ms. Strayed did it out of a damn "dear abby" column. I just want everyone to read your great words.

Tiny Beautiful Things -
http://www.amazon.com/Tiny-Beautiful-Things-Advice-Sugar/dp/0307949338/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1354556025&sr=1-1&keywords=tiny+beautiful+things

xo
richie

Amanda said...

this is beautiful. thank you for sharing your heart with us. xo

About A Girl said...

I love your blog and I'm either in tears or laughing hysterically. It's such a gift to be able to express your emotions so beautifully through words.

Jen said...

im sorry. awesome blog.

Heather said...

oh man, you do it to me every time...

well done.

Kimberlee @ Brown Button said...

xxxxx

melissa loves said...

"It should cause panic over ohmygod is it over already?!" gah....absolutely my effervescent friend. I love the comment above that said your blog reads like a book....that is so apt. I wish you would write a book, and another and another and another. K? K.
I adore you.
xoxo
Melis

kimberly said...

magical. yes you are. spreading your eloquent glitter over all you touch. so grateful for you and your words.
x

Chuzai Living said...

Karey, I am touched by your words. So true that life is an insane gift. This makes me appreciate what I have and the moment that I'm breathing. Thanks for your words. Hugs.

Sara said...

Simply gorgeous. (your writing, not me because I now have tear streaks down my cheeks.) (I'm a cheap poet.)

la la Lovely said...

I don't know how I missed this but it found me. It found me late in the night when I should have been sleeping and just wrecked me awake. And reading it again now. I didn't learn these things early and am panicking over a few things now - but I'm learning... I'm learning!

Biggest XO to you.
Trina

laura loves.. said...
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