there's a raccoon in front of our house. it comes out to play during the day.
during. the. day.
now. i grew up on a farm. back then, when a raccoon came out to play during the day? it usually meant that my dad would be coming home at lunchtime for a sandwich and a shootfest.
terribly exciting, yes? i think i even wrote a t.ruffles about it. the only more gruesome adventure is when a cow went crazy one summer. that. did. not. end. well.
wait. that's wrong. the worst farm story i have is when my pet goat, heidi, got gobbled up by a pack of dobermans.
uncle sugar still tells that sweet little anecdote every once in a while to ensure no one thinks i'm too fancy. "she grew up with a goat! as a pet! and then it got attacked! by a pack of dobermans!"
anyway. i called animal control. after listening to a five-minute recording on how to help injured wildlife, i finally reached a real person.
"are you calling about an injured mammal?" she asked brightly.
"no, ma'am." i replied politely. "i'm calling about a mammal i'd like to injure."
i thought that was hilarious. i'm sure she was laughing. silently.
after telling her the story of the raccoon - and, admittedly, the one about heidi - there was more silence. lots more.
"in the state of virginia," she informed me in a clenched jaw kind of judgy voice, "wildlife is protected."
"so can i..." i tried to interrupt, because this was not going anywhere i needed it to go.
"PROTECTED," nothing silent about her now, "WHICH MEANS YOU MUST LEARN TO CO-EXIST WITH WILDLIFE. AND WHICH MEANS YOU CANNOT KILL THEM. UNLESS THE RACCOON IS SHOWING SIGNS OF RABIES OR AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR..."
"oh! rabies! yes yes yes!" i mean, i've seen old yeller. or was it to kill a mockingbird? "it's all foaming at the mouth and walking sideways..."
"it is?" super incredulous judgy now.
we agreed to disagree. i might have also agreed to buy some mothballs, but only after she assured me they wouldn't make my house smell old lady.
so i'm sitting here, thinking that this has been a ridiculous waste of a morning. and that i miss my armed guards in jordan. and i miss my dad. and also? i wonder what stash couture could do with raccoon hide.