wondering...

my life would have to end up monstrously for me to list this morning as one of my favorites.

let me just tell you that lillie kate won the i'll have the last mean words if it kills me contest. you should also know that my girlie always ends on a high note. ugh. luckily, i won the if you come back here right now and give me a hug, all of this will be erased contest.

did i ever tell you i ran a small publishing company slash vanity press before lillie came to us? i loved it, even though the owner gave me job titles instead of raises. by the time i left, i was vice president of pretty much everything and everyone. we were a two-person operation.

whatever. my business cards rocked.

my clients thought i was magic. the epitome of smart and sweet. i rarely, if ever, made mistakes. i was respected and liked. i absolutely loved my work.

and then came lillie. it's no secret that uncle sugar and i had never ever not ever discussed babies, and we both assumed i would continue working.

i mean, who'd want to stay home with a bay-bee?

but then came lillie. we thought she was magic. the epitome of smart and sweet. she never made mistakes. not one. we absolutely loved everything about our lillie kate.

and all the nannies i'd interviewed suddenly seemed...dull. uninteresting. sluggish. i wanted them to perform as effusively as uncle sugar and i did.

"umm. so. lillie likes it when you sing this song i made up? i wrote it down on these two pages? the chorus goes miss lillie kate kate kate, ridin' just one skate skate skate...umm. so. flip the second page over for the finale? we always end with a jump to one knee with our hands up in a vee-shape? like this?" {insert nanny derision here.}

whatever. dullards.

long story a wee bit shorter, we decided i couldn't leave her with someone else. i'd stay home with the bay-bee. people who knew me the most just about died.

but you hate kids, they'd gasp.

not this one, i'd say.

a few weeks ago, a friend said something to me that i knew deep down was advice directed at me. it was something like i firmly believe every mother should be prepared to support her family at any given moment.

and that's been sitting in my stomach ever since.

am i prepared to support my family should uncle sugar get hit by a bus tomorrow? probably not. it could take some time. unless there's a company out there who loves shiny concepts, an everything's possible outlook, and ebullient writing.

do i regret staying home and making people instead of making books for people? no. never. rarely.

except maybe this morning.

tell me what you've done, will you? did you stay home or work or both? and god forbid your mate gets hit by a bus tomorrow, are you ready to take over? and for those of you who haven't even thought of making people yet...what will you hope to do? your stories always make me feel less worried. i know all will be well when i see lill's chandelier smile after school. that girlie's little head doesn't make room for this sort of nonsense. prints seen first on india knight's posterous. available here for purchase.