18 March 2010

oscar goldman...

i think i was sort of involved in a petty cat-fight last weekend. and i also think i sort of won.

we were at this restaurant with friends. i like these friends. i wish i could tell you half the jokes and witty stories that were shared - one involved oscar goldman - but you know and i know even oscar goldman isn't funny unless we're sitting together in a fabulous space with all the time in the world to laugh.

make that happen, will you?

anyway. it's the end of the night. kiss kiss. hug hug. off to grab my coat.

let me preface this story with the fact that i have two coats. only two. i have a long black winter one with a most excellent sash and mysterious spy collar, and a hella sexy black trench for spring and summer. both are burberry. i only tell you this because it's integral to the tale. and! i justify both purchases because i'll never buy any other coats again. these are forevers.

plus the friend i was with owns furs. plural. {i don't know why i just told you this, but it makes me feel way less decadent.}

the coat check girlie gives me my coat, and i toss it on as i'm walking out. it feels odd. small and what the heck is that print blazing from the inside lining? this was a burberry, but it was a thin trench with a pinkish burberry plaid. hmmm. not mine.

so i turned around to return it. as i'm walking back, i see this tall frowny lady glaring at me. so i smile and get close enough to begin asking "oh! is this yours?" when she interrupts me.


i took a second. looked at her. really looked at her. she was with a much much older gentleman, and they both looked...pinched. like they were mean-ish more than they were nice-ish. and i was going to let it go. i was. because it's punishment enough to live sad, don't you think?

so i handed her the coat, smiled my half-smile {which still shows gums, to my dismay. i've been trying my entire life to smile small. i give up.}, and was just about to say so sorry...

when she made the noise. an ich. like a meh. like an ugh, but way worse.

so then she got my really giant smile. and i may have said "yeah...i was wondering why it felt so cheap. and then i remembered: why would i be wearing my summer burberry when it's clearly. still. winter. and then? well. then i saw the knock-off pink plaid." loudly, maybe.

ummm. the end. this story brought to you by the karey might not be as nice as you think she is corporation. with additional funding by the seriously...she isn't foundation.

if you're in the mood to chat today? will you make me feel better and tell me of a time when you were a petty kitten? that would make me laugh. i mean, that would help me learn my lesson and be a better person. while laughing.

the pictures are of two shops in london called french's dairy. wouldn't you love to own them and work in them on sunny or rainy days? me, too. i found them while hunting down philippe ferrandis' baubles. they are seriously worth a hunt. i love how his father described him when asked if philippe displayed any creativity when he was a child. "if you gave philippe two chairs and a curtain you soon had a theatre."

isn't that lovely?


Kelly said...

and now i love you just a little bit more. the end.


Mamma said...

Like that didn't raise your esteem in my eyes.

It will be all rainbows and unicorns. See? I'm practicing.

Melissa de la Fuente said...

oh. my. god. I am SO glad you actually said that, outloud. You know I am not one for mean, at all. BUT! Sometimes, pinched people NEED someone to remind them that they need to get a grip. Did I tell you about the time I flipped someone off who was up in my butt( in the car) and he passed me, stopped his car, got out, and started walking toward my car? And gave me the finger and said "that's not very nice" in a menacing way...and I said "FUCK. YOU." gave him the finger again, turned my car around and got the hell outta dodge. Yeah....not my finest hour.

karey m. said...

MELISSA!? ok. the up in my butt {inthe car} line made me laugh. but the very thought of you SWEARING?! this honestly made my day.

amie. i like this new you. no i don't. i like the you you.

and kelly. somehow i knew you'd like the meaner side of me.

seriously, melissa? i am still shaking laughing. THANK YOU!

jules @ The Diversion Project said...

oh i knew i loved you for a reason! hehe

my best friend's teenage daughter asked me the other day if she could interview me for a school paper she is doing on careers and inspirational women {i know. gushed}. when i told my friend about it she sweetly said 'i couldnt think of a better role model for my daughter'...to which i said 'well, kinda would've been nice if she'd picked someone less of a smart arse. let's face it'. my friend, straight faced, just said 'true...'

my mouth can get me into trouble sometimes, but i try mostly to use it for good trouble not evil trouble. but some people just need to told striaght, as they've obviously got no one around them giving them feedback on what a drongo they are.

The last not so nice thing i said was to this woman who thought she owned the world (and probably does, at least half anyway), but is bone idle and scoffs at people who work. I said {{wince}} 'it's a good thing you're pretty, otherwise you'd be redundant'. There. Said it. Off to beat myself with olive branches.

good day.


Destri said...

Award for my first laugh of the day, I hand them out daily.

karey m. said...

jules. redundant?! OUCH! PAINFUL! i'm so using it.

and thank you destri! of course you're too sweet to have a petty story! xo

Brandi said...

it's so much more fun if you're not super nice all the time. i think there's a rule somewhere permitting such behavior now and then, saying that if someone is trying to make you feel oh-so-small, you can fight back with words and that it stings more if none of them are cuss words.

you, my dear karey, are one to be admired.

Robin said...

I loved this story and it even made me adore you a bit more. Because I do this sort of thing a bit too often. Spent my younger years playing it sweet and safe and then I met Brad who brought out my snarky side.

Recently, we were on vacation with his entire family and our jackass brother-in-law was going on and on about how he did not like people with a certain name (which just happens to be be my child's middle name, thankyouverymuch) and I said, loudly, "Jeff, the only commonality between you and all these so-called-terrible people named Philip, is YOU!" Stunned silence followed by a few high fives followed (because, thankfully, everyone else agreed with me, I am just the only loudmouth who can't not say something)

Barchbo said...

Dude, she's lucky you aren't Oscar Goldman - he's definitely someone you don't want to hack off. He has a serious arsenal.

You know how people always say that they wish they had thought of the perfect cutting remark at the time, but they think of it later? And then they tell you and you laugh and say,"Oooh - total burn!" And everyone feels good because they finally got it out.

I always think of the perfect stiletto blade remark right in the moment. And a lot of times it slides right out. It feels so great coming out of my mouth, but so awful afterwards. Like a verbal hangover. I have so many examples - SO many. At least yours is a one-off!

kathleen said...

wow. aggro is in the air!

love it.

Shannon said...

Well I would like to thank the sponsors that brought us karey, nice and not so nice for the much needed laugh!

Ewww...I have a big mouth, that I try not to use to slay those who are pinched or just less fortunate when it comes to niceness. however in college, there was this group of girls. who were mean. You know those girls, everyone knew "those girls". Anyway, I was in a bar restroom, when I heard the meanies state something not so nice about moi.I grumbled under my breathe as confrontation is not a strong suit of mine(at least with no back up)I exited my stall and washed my hands, and politely asked that she repeat herself as I overheard her and would like to tell her the real story, to which she responded "my my my, how about I give you a P for paranoia" I then looked her up and down and responded "How about I give you a an F for Fat ass bitch" It was not good. I left the restroom and felt a little bad for the fat part, she had the bitch part coming. I wonder if she found some happiness, she was severly pinched!

Shayna said...

Kelly is so right. Just another point to add to the "reasons to love Karey" list.

Also, I have been trying to perfect the small-no-gums "professional" smile for SO long. I've practiced in the mirror, felt assured that it was mine and then gone ahead and smothered people with my gums every time. Tant pis, as the french say...

I think my (most recent) snarky moment came when someone challenged my opinion by implying that they were correct because they were older and had more experience. A simple, "You will always be older and always have more experience but that doesn't mean you are always right." might have earned me a pretty nasty glare.

Richie Designs said...

I wish I could tell you a good story but me? I freeze in those situations and don't think of the good thing to say for another hour.

I'm jealous that you told her what was up with your toothy grin and all.

regardez moi said...

Oh, delicious!

I have a sort of petty story, but it is pettiness out of self defense I SWEAR.

Not too long ago I was shopping at Nordstrom looking for a dress to wear to a formal occasion I have coming up. The selection was terrible, disappointingly. So I was looking at this one dress and a lady swooped in from the other side of the rack and proclaimed loudly to her 12 year old daughter: "Ugh! They only have this in {dramatic pause} big people sizes."

They happened to have the dress in my size. Which is a 6 or an 8, I'll disclose for the purpose of this story. So I took the dress from the rack, held it up and said "Oh! Good thing I'm a big person! It's my lucky day!" The lady dropped her head and walked away.

What a be-otch that lady was. And, she had the worst fake tan, to boot. I wish I would have said something about that, but I was too busy being fat in my size 8 dress.

Rachel said...

I was in a LOOOONG line for popcorn at the movies when this man saw someone he knew at the front of the line and went up to "say hello" and then proceeded to order about a thousand sodas and popcorns oh and hot dogs and nachos. Five minutes later, about the time my movie was starting he was finally done. As he and his probably 14 year-old son walked past me i said, "way to teach him all about being an ass." So I feel sorta bad about using that word in front of the teen. but i'm guessing with that man as a father, he's used to it. THEN i got a high five from the random dude in front of me in line. The offender: stunned silent.

Amy said...

I wish I had a funny story.. I know I'm good at being snarky, but my new puppy is chewing on my toe and distracting me from telling you how funny I am. So I'll just tell you how funny YOU are (and all the other commenters too! I love Shannon's story!) and go reclaim my toes.

Aunt LoLo said...

I wish I had a great story to go with your fabulous one...but all I've got is this - in middle school, I had a disagreement with my best friend. I was right, and she was wrong. That's all I remember. By the end of the conversation...she'd realized that fact as well. Her parting shot? "Well...you're stupid, so it doesn't matter!"

15 years later, and it still works its way into my fights! LOL

Robin said...

had to come back for the funny stories...love them! Shayna's especially.

also, looked at my comment and realized I was typing too fast...what I said was: Jeff, the only commonality in all your bad relationships with these so-called-terrible people named Philip, is YOU...maybe you already knew what I meant but had to clarify :)

Kim in the Cove said...

Oh, Karey! This made me laugh. We all have our moments when someone tries to make us feel soooo small with their ich, meh or ugh! Better to have your say and walk away! I've spent way too much time over the years replaying a similar encounter in Barney's in Dallas when I smiled and shrugged off a slight that really, really warranted the witty comeback that stayed in my head!!!

You're quick on your feet - and that's a good thing.


jen b said...

i love that you stood up to the meanie! i wish i was better at that kind of thing myself.

kayla! said...

i had a job where i worked with some super annoying folk. this one weird lady (who never wore shoes and she had really gangly toes) got a five foot teddy bear for valentines day. she kept it at the office and it turned into a joke. until a year later, valentines day had come and gone once again and the bear was STILL there. after trying to hide it, i went into her boss' office and told him she had to get rid of the GD bear. i was screaming and crying.

over a stuffed bear.

Alicia said...

Freaking standing ovation!!!!
Sometimes it needs to be done. Once a women driving an Escalade who could only handle a Mini try to push my car somehow out of her way as I came in & she was leaving a car lot. I was singing to the radio, she was glaring & as I was picking out peaches a few minutes later she comes up to me ( yup she parked her & came in) & what did I think I was doing talking to her like that!!! Huh???
Out of my mouth came...
Wow how sad your life must be if soemthing so trivial as me singing a song not caring wit one about your rude behaviour forced you to repark you car & come after me just to act like a buffoon in public.
She turned red..the people around me laughed & I told her have a nice day & oh..I've already forgotten you as I strolled away.
Damn doesnt it feel good.

Kristin said...

oh, to be a fly on the wall.

I can't think of any stories right now, (and believe me, it's not that I'm lacking in that department -- unfortunately), but my brain's a big foggy because i'm fighting a cold this week, and well, i'm mustering every bit of concentration i have just to write this comment.

I do hope I'm making sense.

toodles. ;)

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Melissa de la Fuente said...

Oh god my darlin, I swear like a sailor! :)
You rock...and I adore you!

The Zhush said...

Ohmygosh! That was an amazing story. As for a time when I was petty, I wish I could think of a fun one, there are so many, its just that I am tired and surfing around blogs, when I really should be asleep. I know this much though...if it were me in the story, I would have been so caught off guard by the chain of events, and so worried about my own fab coat, that your awesome response to that lady, would never have come to me. Until the car ride home... when I would have been telling my husband all the great things I could've-would've told that pinch face shrew! So kudos to you for thinking so quick..."in a pinch"!

krista said...

i have an even bigger crush on you than i ever thought possible now. i mean, the ability to say EXACTLY what you should say? perfect.

my years of food service/barista-based jobs were chock full of two statements i pulled out whenever anyone freaked out over a small mistake:

1: "it's a good thing i'm not your anesthesiologist because i would have just killed you"

2: "i hope this is the worst thing that happens to you today because you clearly can't handle anything else."

the first one was used frequently and always worked to lighten the situation.
the second one was only used once, when i was a manager and this woman called a co-worker of mine an 'idiot' because she was given the wrong latte.
i think i even ended it with "we're done here."

Mrs.French said...

do you see me? i am jumping around behind you saying things like..."yeah, you hear that bitch?" or "take that cheap coat lady!" (pretty threatening eh?) that's exactly how i felt reading about this little incident. i had your back, in case you didn't know...oh and i guess that means i am pretty flippin' petty too! xo t
waiting on that list of sparkly Karey names...just saying!

Kimberlee said...

love it. and your 'forever' coats.
i may have lost it in ikea once.....but one should never go to ikea on a public holiday. my bad. x

The Lil Bee said...

Yeah. This is, like, the 47,000th reason why we'd be besties in real life.

Joslyn said...

that first comment. the one that kelly wrote...umm me too.

ZDub said...

I'm dying over here! Love this.

I'm not sharing any of my petty kitten moments, I have to many and I'm saving them for a how-not-to-act book.

Natalie said...

I am trying so hard to come up with something because I know I've done it; but it's like when someone asks me my most embarrassing moment: I have plenty, but can't think of a single one on queue. To be continued...

Estelle said...

Genius. I got nothing for you but that was a great story. I would be the one to think of that ten minutes later and wish to hell I had said it to her face.