02 February 2010

no contest...

uncle sugar and i had a bit of a contest last night.

now. i am an utter fool to enter into any sort of contest with that man. he loves to win. he never quits. he is incredibly competitive. rather vindictive. taunt-ish. add his cheat-ish delusional quirk that i find ever-so-attractive, and you might understand.




he was performing his nightly sit-up routine - as i lounged lazily next to him - when the girlies three rushed us. it was grae who asked, and i'm dead-certain of this detail because she's the only one of our three who concerns herself with comparisons.

who's stronger? you or dad?

which is exactly how uncle sugar and i happened to spend more than fifteen minutes with lillie and grae hoisted on our feet à la airplanes. up down up down up down.

at some point during that fifteen, i looked at my legs and felt no small sense of pride at how well they were winning. i mean, working. it flew me to a faraway moment i shared with my sister when she was still alive.




she told me i was looking thin. this was just a few days after esmé was born, and probably even a few minutes after my mid-morning snack, but i believed her. because she was magic like that. she'd see a glimpse of beauty and magnify it. shine her spotlight smile on you, and before you even knew it, you were centre stage. even better? you felt like you belonged there. amazing.

but remember, she said. it's not important to be thin. you want to be strong...just in case you need to fight.

this was the last real moment she and i would share. my sister was two weeks from her ending. maybe a few hours from hospice, if you can imagine. i don't remember those details as well as i remember how her words made me feel. stunning. invincible. perfect. i stand taller even all these years later when i remember how she looked at me. how she saw me. how she made me see myself.

i remember how she looked to me. stunning. invincible. perfect. i'd never seen such beauty, and i maybe never will again in my lifetime. she was kind and generous and loved nothing more than filling a room with laughter. hers and yours. she looked around the world with sheer joy, and honestly got a kick out of everyone walking around in it. i miss her like crazy.




i won't tell you i won last night. uncle sugar would lie and tell you differently, anyway. but it's funny. i realized that memories of my sister don't really make me sad anymore. i mean, they do. i miss her like i imagine i'd miss air. and some memories are like sharp jabs to my ribs. but. i think of her and feel strong. and i will tell you it's good to feel strong.

{this morning, i mentioned to uncle sugar that my legs felt a little...worked. not sore. worked. his, no surprise, did not. he swaggered out of the house, and i watched him walk to his car. and i think i saw him limp a little. i won.}

i seriously begin and end my day with mary ruffle. but it's no surprise she found these gorgeous pages on little alouette first. i adore them both, don't you?

28 comments:

Sherry said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sherry said...

oh, this one got me today. i'm all choked up. i've read it twice already. you see, my friend's mother entered hospice just yesterday. she's declining quickly. her mother is a happy soul..always fun, smiley, and the life of the party. why do the good ones have to leave too soon?

Emily said...

I've read your blog for a while now. And I've read it silently... never commenting. Just admiring. But today, you really moved me with this. You have a way with capturing a sentiment, capturing a feeling and owning the experience. It's a rare gift, and I'm so thankful you share it with us. Thank you.

Kim in the Cove said...

I love your posts about your sister. Thank you for sharing.

Kelly said...

i saw that first one on Mary's tumblr yesterday and immediately thought of you. good words on things always remind me of you.

and you made me smile when you said the memories of lynn no longer make you sad. because even though i don't have a sister i can't help but share your pain.

xo
Kelly

krista said...

oh, this got me.
my sister and her husband have been struggling with some health issues this past year and every time we talk i file the tone of her voice away into my muscles.
so that when i walk, she sings through me.

Jill said...

oh the tears...

Richie Designs said...

I have that book ;)
lovely post

Robin said...

Your sister sounds amazing. I can't imagine a loss like that - but you are incredible the way that you keep her memory alive when you write about her.

leigh said...

beautiful words.

thank you for sharing them.

i could not imagine losing my sister - "i miss her like i imagine i'd miss air." - exactly.

much love.

kathleen said...

you are so good at helping me to focus on the good things in life. you are strong, you help to hold the rest of us up!

jpresteg said...

I never, ever comment but this post is beautiful. I will hold your sister's words about being strong in my heart. Really, very touching!

mrs. darling said...

obviously we have never met your sister. but today your words honored her, your words described to us what a beautiful, amazing woman she was. today she lived on in your words. thank you for sharing her with us. this one got me today...like missing air...i do believe that is exactly what it would feel like to miss my sister.

jules @ The Diversion Project said...

i reckon that's a good spot to get to - where the memories can come back without dragging you way down. i finally got to that spot about my father, and now i can enjoy and honour the memories the way they should onstead of blubbing and having to change my mental subject.

I can only imagine that you and your sister would have made a formidable, hilarious, and strong team.

cool post.

jules

Jane Flanagan said...

Such a beautiful post. And what a beautiful person you are to share it.

You amaze me!

Brandi said...

oh, my dear karey, you just scooped up my heart with this post. it's hard when we lose anyone we love. memories can be so vivid and so meaningful, and this one was so beautiful. you two together must have been superheroes.

Melissa de la Fuente said...

Yes, I do adore them both....and this post breaks my heart....in wonderful ways and sad ways. I am so sorry you miss her like crazy. I can only imagine.....how incredibly magnificent that she made others feel so good and loved life so much...wow.
xo
Melis

caroline duke said...

karey... i just love these stories. they always steal my breath and make my eyes wet. i just love them.

Anonymous said...

I truly believe that we have reached the point where technology has become one with our society, and I am 99% certain that we have passed the point of no return in our relationship with technology.


I don't mean this in a bad way, of course! Ethical concerns aside... I just hope that as memory gets cheaper, the possibility of copying our brains onto a digital medium becomes a true reality. It's one of the things I really wish I could encounter in my lifetime.


(Posted on Nintendo DS running [url=http://kwstar88.insanejournal.com/397.html]R4i SDHC[/url] DS BB)

Anonymous said...

Keep on posting such articles. I like to read stories like this. Just add some pics :)
BlindSniper

Me said...

Karey,

That's a beautiful blog entry. You've got the medium nailed. Even more, when you write like that you are strong. I can feel your muscles.

Meg

Rachel said...

Your missing air comment took my breathe away. Beautiful post as always.

Shannon said...

Giving life to a memory...your words are true strength. Thank you for sharing.

pen.ny said...

You know I read this right after you posted it and my vision became blurry before I could even finish it, it was so moving. I wanted to say something but couldn't find the right words. (Like you always can) I kept coming back throughout the day to try and failed every time. I don't know why I kept running away. Such lovely words you wrote about your sister.

Kristin @ Contented Me said...

this was beautiful, karey. thank you.

la la Lovely said...

Tears..pure beauty and tears! I had to send this to my sister. You're sister sounds like she was a beautiful soul. I'm without the right words right now...but just wanted to tell you how gorgeous this post is.
x Trina

vintage simple said...

Beautiful post. I have no other words, really.... If I were anywhere near you, I would hug you - and I think you'd hug me back with an even stronger hold. Which is what I often need. This post here? It felt like a huge hug from you in a way. Thank you. Your girlies 3 and uncle sugar are very lucky people.

much love,
-maria

Relyn said...
This comment has been removed by the author.