30 April 2012

on falling down...

the girlies two had lacrosse all weekend. i am utterly exhausted from watching them run up and down the fields with their gorgeous young legs and swinging hair and also from keeping my stomach muscles clenched for every single minute of every single game. 

it's hard to let your babies play hard.

grae's finger may be busted but is probably just jammed and cut from a slashing stick. she doesn't mind at all because it makes her look thug-lite and plus she scored a goal. poor lill was laid out so darn hard in her sunday game that her coach came on the field. i've never seen a crash like that, so much so that i can't think of another word for it. {her coach called it an assault, but that seems a leetle sinister. even though i wanted to press charges.}

anyway. we took them out to dinner to celebrate that they were both still alive, and the waiter asked if they'd just had a game. they smiled and said yes, and he asked if they'd won.

grae answered yes quickly, then thought about it for a second and changed it to no. when he walked away, she laughed and said something like but i kind of won. she got a cool injury and a goal. she did win.

i don't even look at the score. i look at how they get back up after being down. i honestly thought they'd have to carry lillie off the field and that i would have to kill someone, but she sprang right up and got right back into it. 

i look at how grae started yelling straight-away from the sidelines at the refs in her inside voice that they should yellow-card the girl who plowed down her lillie. you should know that grae's inside voice is the bad one that she only uses inside our house. it's so disdainful, you'd cringe. but she was fighting for someone she loves even more than she realizes, so pat and i let it go.

sometimes all the time i feel like i brag about these girls of mine. i know i do. i just look at these small versions of the someday women they'll become, and i see shades of...i don't know what. but it's beautiful. and thrilling. and disappointing. and worrisome. and exhausting. but mostly thrilling and beautiful. 

babies, man. they'll break your heart seventy times harder than you ever thought you could survive, but then you'll see them get back up and fight and you take this breath and maybe your chin does that i'm going to cry tremble and it's all back together again. 

i live for those moments when it's all back together again.

everything pretty found on you only live this life once.


Barchbo said...

As a former thug (translation: female athlete) I get warm fuzzies just reading this post. There is no joy in life that compares to a hot shower after a a long, chilly assault - preferably in the rain. Greatness.

Aren't we lucky that our girls have such chances to be as tough (or as vulnerable) as they would choose. We are so blessed even if we are still fighting!

Anonymous said...

i love all of this. no love like a sister love. your girls are lucky to have each other.

blu aka blujohnny said...

wow do you describe mothering so perfectly!!!! And yes darn you should brag as often as you want to, those girlies are gems!

melissa loves said...

Ah....god. you slayed me AGAIN. Now, I am all choked up. It is only 10:29 in the morning my friend. sheesh....:) I know, I brag of mine all the time too because I am so with you. The shades I see make me all choked up. I am so f'ing proud of them, who they are & who they will become. It is everything you said. Yes.

Kerry said...

Also choked up.

I wonder about my boys, too, and about the men they will be and whether or not I'm imparting wisdom or just going through the day-to-day motions.

Thanks for the perspective. You are an amazing writer.

TX Girl said...

I'm a bit torn. It breaks my heart that my girl won't have a sister to call her own, BUT she does have a brother and she is not only his biggest fan, but also his protector. I think if she had a sister he would get lost because he lacks the common gene. Still, I also know there is nothing like having a sister.

Estelle Hayes said...

O.k. I feel so much better after reading you. The world just seems to be in order after a visit. Love that your babes are tough as nails and protective of each other. That's how it should be, always. And for the record, I never read your stories as bragging. It's clearly just truth. So, now that we're clear you just carry on.

Estelle Hayes said...

O.k. I feel so much better after reading you. The world just seems to be in order after a visit. Love that your babes are tough as nails and protective of each other. That's how it should be, always. And for the record, I never read your stories as bragging. It's clearly just truth. So, now that we're clear you just carry on.

Elizabeth @claritychaos said...

damn, I hadn't been here in far too long. I love your stories about your girlies. Makes me grateful for my sisters and thrilled that my boys have each other. I love the way you tell stories.

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