01 November 2011


esmé's teacher told the class that they could only eat one piece of candy last night. that she'd know whether they had more. you should've seen esmé's smile fade.

she had three. but she didn't enjoy the second and third pieces at all. and this morning, she asked me to look in her eyes and tell me if she looked cracky-crazy. tell the truth, mom. she ordered. super worried.

i'm so tempted to tell her she's allergic to reese's peanut butter cups so that they can all belong to me.

{it very much reminds me of my mom telling me i was allergic to cigarettes, pot, cocaine, any other drug that could possibly come my way in college, and beer and wine and shots boys would someday want to buy me. also, probably premarital sex.}

my heart can't explain what a wonderful halloween we had, so i won't even try. all i will tell you is that i feel hungover-lucky today.

october is always a hard month. it's the month my sister died, and i feel her more as the season changes than any other time of the year. the trick or treating, the rainbow-colored trees, thanksgiving and christmas and new year's coming...it was all her.

the girlies laugh at me because my tears fall so easily this time of year. esmé says i feel sorry for everyone, but i think i just feel sorry for me. i am pretty selfish, you know.

or else maybe i just see what everyone else is enduring, too, and i can feel their feelings in my bones. i prefer that to the whole selfish thing. or maybe i don't.

my sister wrote me a note yesterday and said something about seeing lin in everything lately. she has so many stories that i don't know that i wish she'd start a blog just for me and the girlies three. she's a much better writer than i ever will be {and i am not just saying that. everyone who has read her words knows it like truth.}, but was also blessed with a big fat brain that eats numbers like candy, so she has a real job in chicago. i envy her. she probably envies me.

anyway. have i told you that she was the gracie to my sister lin's lillie? do you understand that? and i am clearly the esmé to them both.

so she wrote a line smack in the middle of a mail that is still killing me.

...when life was good and simple and lin used to ride no-handed down the hill and bite off chunks of green apple and hand them to me mid-bicycle ride so i wouldn't break my capped front teeth.

and wow. if there was ever a definition of love - wild and easy and thoughtless in the most incredibly thoughtful way - to me, that would be it.

p.s. i only wrote today because she asked me to write today. see my gimme bar for photos.


Krissy | Paper Schmaper said...

oh how i've missed you and your thoughtful writing!

Heather said...

thank you for writing, it always touches my heart, and today made me cry.

Jamie said...

goosebumps, smiles, and tears. girl. you know how to make a heart go from 0-60 in no time. and....i want this big in my office. i feel "hungover-lucky today." xoxoxo!

amy turn sharp of doobleh-vay said...

that was lovely. I think she made me smile and cry in the same moment. xo

karey m. said...

KRISSY! remember shim?! it's always nice to see you.

heather...you are sweet. and i like to make you cry!

jamie! i will make you one. promise. xo

amy...have i ever told you how you remind me of lin in all the wildest best ways? i know i have.

Richie Designs said...

you always make me cry. dang-it 10:30 in the am and I'm a mess.

I had never thought of your three girls in relation to you and your sisters. It breaks my heart with goodness that they adore each other as you guys did together.

la la Lovely said...

Thank you thank you for this post...it is beautiful. And I'm feeling kinda special that you wrote because I asked :) "she was the gracie to my sister lin's lillie....and i am clearly the esme to them both." It must really be magic watching your girlies and seeing that special sister bond continue on. And your sisters words...are, well, you're right they are the definition of love in it's purest form. Thank you, sweet Karey! xo

Kate said...

I loved every bit of this. Your posts always melt my heart!

Katie said...

I'm with all the other melted hearts that read this post. Seriously, no one I know writes about sisters like you--and now, I see, your sister--do. I'm sending it to my little sister.

A-M said...

Oh my tears are flowing freely for you this morning. Your words just hit my heart like a tonne of bricks. A-M xx

Kristin said...

goosebumps and a big lump in my throat. i'm sending hugs and kisses your way, karey.

Erin said...


Amy@OldSweetSong said...

Oh you. A perfect definition of love indeed. October was hard for me because it was my sister's birth month and it always makes me miss her so darn much. So this year I baked her a chocolate cake.

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