25 July 2011

dear you...

so many sweet things happened this weekend, but they all seem to be of the sort that shouldn't really be shared. a lot of whispers, a lot of proud moments, and one or three acts of kindness from one of our three that made me put my hand over my heart so it wouldn't fall out.

you know how bad i am with anatomy.

someone asked me a few weeks ago if i was on facebook. i said no, and she was pretty aghast. you? miss online all the time is not on facebook? hmmm. perhaps i am a little too free with my thoughts on this space. that makes the worrier in me worry.

but the writer in me needs to tell stories. i honestly enjoy stringing thoughts together and forcing myself to mix words together in ways that aren't comfortable or natural. shocking myself small makes me feel like i'm living huge.

plus? my heart needs to empty itself.

i can't explain the reason behind mackin ink continuing long after i've stopped it - what? three times now? - any better than that. my heart needs to empty itself.

grae had a divisional swim meet early saturday morning, and wanted to get to bed early on friday night. esmé and i gladly went upstairs with her so she wouldn't be lonely, and so esmé could watch out for burglars and killers until grae fell safely asleep.

we both looked at her, dying to ask the same question, probably. whatever would you do with a burglar or a killer, esmé? you're so short! and i do not think you have a gun. also, you still mix up nines and sixes. and six-one-one is just not as effective at getting the right people to back you up. we shared a glance and stifled a giggle, because neither one of us could bear to interrupt her bravery.

i heard her sigh twice, and i asked her what was the matter. i can't go to sleep without lillie, she said. as matter-of-fact as if she'd just told me i can't breathe without air.

but it was early and lillie was hanging with her dad and those two just can't be bothered with sleep at night. still, grae called down two flights and asked. lillie? can you come to bed now?

i heard lill skip steps to get to grae. what do you need, gracie?

another sigh. a beggy one this time. i need you to come to bed. i have divisionals tomorrow...

and on the imaginary clothesline strung between them hung the words and i can't go to sleep without you.

i held my breath. it was early. and there's nothing early about my lillie-kate.

but i'm not tired...she began, and ended with a sigh. okay.

it's funny. that okay was so damn reassuring to me, seriously overpowering the fast-forward fear of what will they ever do without each other? it's nice to have an unshakeable faith in something i've spent so much of my life making. because you know that never happens for me with, say, risotto. or anything, really, with more than two ingredients.

anyway. i much prefer working with ingredients that get better with age.

there. exactly what i was telling you earlier about emptying my heart. now i've more room for a moment or two today...which is probably not the one that greeted me after my miles this morning: esmé dressed in her dad's running shorts and tee shirt, stuffed with throw pillows, looking all rectangle child, eating a popsicle and calling herself pam. i'm holding out for something less...troubling. photos from om-nia.


blu said...

ahhhh your words karey are just fantastic! i love to read your heart spilled out on these pages, each word inspires me to try and imagine what my heart would look like on paper too! you've inspired so many of us so please keep the words coming!!

Shannon said...

Your words give my mind a reason to talk to my heart.

Hope to get a little smile to you via USPS this week.

la la Lovely said...

Oh Karey... this post just gutted me. I'm just kind of in that state these days anyways. Lots of things upside down right now. Strangely... I was just thinking about this very tattoo last night. I'm not a tattoo kind of girl but it's kind of been on my mind and I thought if i ever it would be this between the fingers kind and here it is today with words that could be mine. And those words below just written on the white paper.. they are for me. How did you know? Most of all.... my sights are set today on the little people in my life and working with "those ingrediants." Wish I could give you a big hug for this post. Send some shiny my way if think about it.

megan said...

the bit at the end about esme had me laughing out loud. love this post, k.

lisa m said...

You can't ever quit… 'cause we need to hear it, as much as you need to say it. All of it.

kate said...

Yes, pleeeeeeaaaaaase don't ever quit! This story just made me so happy.

About A Girl said...

I love your blog. I love reading all your stories they make me smile, laugh, and occasionally tear up. Thank you!

mrs. darling said...

during the third week of my sweet ruth's life...the week after my husband went back to work, my mom went home and it was just ruth and i...i text my sister one afternoon, sobbing, and told her i felt like i was drowning in the exhaustion and weight of my new life. she wrote back and said, "you aren't. you are a wonderful mama. and i'm right here."

those words were my lifeline that day. sisters have a way of saving the day like that.