03 November 2009

it hits me at the oddest moments.

late late late way later than a four year old should be awake late last night, i hopped out of the shower. slathered lotions and potions and spritzes of fracas.

by the way, this confounds the heck out of lillie and grae. why do you put on perfume for bed? they ask. because i always want to smell like me. i answer.

then we think about it. really think about it. and we're all three confounded. lillie, my in-house hippie chick whose future surely holds dreadlocks, patchouli, almost-finished degrees on hold while she finds herself which will probably involve finding a band to follow first, and maybe even a lover who plays the guitar, gives up trying to make sense of anything mainstream-smelly at that point. grae disappears to find her chanel no. 5. plus her phd.

but back to last night. of course, esmé was in our bed. now. my bed may look an awful lot like it's my bed. more than half of it may also look like it is uncle sugar's bed. which really makes it our bed. but somewhere along the late late bedtimes, esmé has somehow thrown herself into our our.

i walk out of the bath, all shiny and soft and sweetly gardenia. and that little thing clasps her hands together. smiles this smile like...like...i don't know. like i was the most beautiful thing she's ever seen and she loved me like nothing else in the world and it pained her. it honestly pained her. like that.

broke. my. heart.

just to see that raw love, do you know? to hear her gasp. like...there you are.

and it hit me. at that odd little moment. i need you, esmé dahlia.

tell me you have those moments, too. when love turns to need turns to panic turns to this hopelessly hopeful realization that you can't live one minute without this love? not. one. minute.

of course, my girl broke the mood. asked if i was getting into bed unclothed. her query maybe definitely included the word bigfatboobies and a giant imp of a grin.

she never fails to put the oddest in any moment.

i've been missing text-ish art. here's some from for stars will rise again. there's so much more to see over there, but the girlies three are all home again today so i must go play with them and not tumblr.


Shannon said...

I am just realizing those moments. They make my heart gasp. When Ave wakes up before dawn and I bring her to our bed, she snuggles in real close to me and then places her hand on my face, as if just to make sure it is me in the dark. She leaves her hand there as her little breathes get slower and slower and she drifts back to sleep. This is the ONLY reason I love a 5 AM wake up call.

krista said...

funny thing, i'm starting to really look at these moments of mine, where i realize more and more often how much i need my daughter and it hurts the way love hurts when it's so strong it can break things. this was so so beautiful. made me want to go kiss my baby all over but she's eating toast with peanut butter and raisins and she pushed my face away. le sigh.

kathleen said...

i've made it from love turns to need turns to panic, and i've seen the hopelessly hopeful realization but never let myself fully get there. but it sounds like it is worth it.

mrs. darling said...

I don't have kids yet but the idea that I could love them so much it takes my breath away makes me think harder about babies...especially one that might work the phrase bigfatboobies into it...hysterical!!

Kay* said...

oh my gosh - your writing moves me so much. please write a book filled with little moments like these so i can put it on my coffee table and flip through when i need to be moved - and laugh (at the bigfatboobies comment! lol kids!)

Kelly and Kelly said...

Last night I was running out the door, late to the unimportant place I was running to. And the four year old yells "wait Mommy" and I wait and sigh and say "what" and she runs to me and says "don't leave before you give me a hug and a kiss!". And my heart breaks right there on the spot at the love these little people give so freely.

lovely post.

A-M said...

Yep, just last night, a nightmare... then the love turns to panic thing... checking them, stroking their hair in the dark and wandering through the halls making sure everything is in order... yep it hurts.
Your posts bring me to tears. A-M xx

Melissa de la Fuente said...

god Karey....you gut me. Slay me....and of COURSE. I know that moment, you know you cannot live without this love. It breaks my heart, every time. As do your words( in a good way!)
ps I posted about you and mary...I am so happy for you both( and me....and chooch ;)

gkgirl said...


i have never been here before
{and i don't know why
i have never found you before}
but i will definitely be back...
i may not even leave...
i may just stay and stalk your archives leaving comments
until you ask me to go home.

just so you know.

Aimee said...


ZDub said...

Love. Love. Love.

I love you and your bigfatboobies.

Richie Designs said...

you make my uterus hurt every day.

sometimes reading your tales I wonder if my mom had those thoughts about us. She's not a wordy person, though I think if you asked her she would say that she is. She has only really told me about being seriously over Mr. Rogers after I watched him for the 5 zillionth time and that Sesame Street was the downfall of her mental health as an adult.

I love that you can see your girls for who they are instead of asking Lille to be a Phd and Grae not to be.

Sherry said...

So beautiful...and, oh I have these moments so much throughout my day too. Tonight I had it when I realized in a year my oldest will be driving, then going away to college, and then having a life of her own. When I have these moments of needing them so much, I wonder if my Mother still feels the same way about me now...because I can't imagine this feeling ever going away. I still like to watch my sweet peas sleep. I asked my Mom recently if she still has the urge to watch me sleep anymore (even though I'm 42).

Jill said...

I'm a cryer... and oftentimes I'll find myself thinking about stuff and just bawling... looking at baby photos, remembering funny stories, watching them grow.

Oye, they grow so fast.

Simply Mel said...

yes, and yes, and yes - my little crumb is the magnetic force of my universe, the brightest ray of the sun, and fills my heart full of star-bursting love!

Kimberly said...

I love that you love the way I love. Sometimes it hurts my heart how much I adore them, as I know that in a flash, this part, the little part, the discovering everything part will pass by.
Slow down time, please.

Kristin said...

That, my dear Karey, is why I chose to have children. And I'm amazed that only 8 weeks into it, and already I get choked up when I think about my heart growing with each and every moment we spend together.

Your girlies three are very lucky to have such a wonderful momma. And I love that you were perfume to bed! I'm so going to copy you... ;)

maggie, dammit said...


I just love you all so much.


Blues said...

Karey...you're back. I'm so excited. Have you been here all along? Oh dear...

Mrs.French said...

I have these moments too often...mine consist of not being able to breathe...panic, the most amazing, scary kind of all! I find comfort in the fact that I am not the only one...k thinks I am a bit odd. oh and we have plenty of those "bigfatboobies" moments too...hehe...xo t