things i find on my desktop...

five things in the past five minutes...

1. i thought to myself, chin heavy in hand, "huh. i could paint that." (dumb.)

2. i thought to myself with much more optimism, "maybe this would be easier." (still dumb.)

3. i have been searching for art for our bedroom. this is so hyper-aggro that i think it would make me laugh every time i saw it. plus, mother trucker was pat's first public swear when he was eight or so. he has better ones now. (this is a fantastic idea.)

4. tacked this to my gimme bar, but only because i have and i don't need to anymore. for a while, at least. (phrew.)

5. thought about how everyone always says that the girls get their writing talent from me. and then re-read what pat wrote for lillie's how not to be a teen mom project. in part...

lillie: what was the scariest part about being a new parent?

pat: i didn't find any part of it scary. i was 28 years old when we had you, we had a nice home and good jobs, and had already been married for seven years. we thought we were ready for a you.

lillie: was your sleep affected?

pat: i usually did the the last and first feeding, and mommy would take care of you throughout the night. i didn't really feel like my sleep was affected, but i am used to having a chaotic schedule. 

lillie: what was the most difficult? 

pat: the most difficult thing was not always knowing what you needed or wanted and just trying to stop the crying and make you happy again. that is still the most challenging thing...

lillie: would it have been harder if you had been a single parent with an infant? 

pat: i could not imagine raising you as a single parent. it was difficult enough between the two of us. 

lillie: what makes it all worth it in the long run? 

pat: to see you now as a bright, happy, confident young woman. 

lillie: what are your best memories of me at an infant age? 

pat: when you first came out and pooped on your mom, and any and every time i see you smile and happy. you were a good baby, lillie. you're going to be a great woman.

i guess i like his economy of words. i like how he states things with a quiet confidence. makes anything he says feel like a fact. 

i also like how he knows that it's important to be affectionate with them no matter how old they get. he makes sure their hugs are not more than a day apart and he can still carry them up to bed. no matter how much it hurts, he pretends it does not. because anything else would hurt way more.

stars

so i heard this song and couldn't help the ache in my gut that this was a song written for me. or perhaps for those i love so hard that i already miss them. you know that feeling, yes? i know you probably do.

i was explaining to my fierce grae-rose why it means too much to me. it means esmé to me, actually. which is too much to me. here's how i explained it to grae.

she is borrowed. my sister was not supposed to meet lillie kate. my dad hadn't met her, and i expected nothing less from lin. it was flattening, for sure. but jesus. she stuck around. and she stuck around for grae. and beyond all beyonds, she stuck around for esmé, too. and two weeks after esmé came - poof - she was stolen from all of us.

make no mistake: it was the very thought of esmé that kept her here longer. she knew that our dad hadn't met any of my babies, and it was like she had to be able to describe them to him the next time she saw him. for that, i'm forever grateful. the air leaves me every time i think of her heavenly baggage, but i thank her every time i gasp.

and i've forgiven that theft. i have. it shocks me still, but i've forgiven the loss.

yet esmé remains a shaking of my head enigma. she is the best of me with the heart of my sister and an inbred history that surprise me at every turn. how the hell does she know lin loved sweet and salty treats? icy water? kindness when it's way easier to be mean? pink grapefruit. red velvet. your smile. whatever you've chosen to wear today. whatever you choose to wear tomorrow.

man, lin. she loved it all. such a fucking loss. i mean it. the more time that passes, i feel like a crime was committed. i'd like to file a missing persons report. because, god damn it, i miss her.

how did esmé get here, i wonder. how did i win that lottery? how the heck did someone know i needed her like air? it was a favor, for sure. and i don't know who to pay back. seven years later and i'm still waiting for someone to tell me okay...she got you through the tough part...you're on your own again, karey. you can handle it. best of luck to you.

i digress. back to the song. and back to my borrowed esmé. i explained it all to grae and she cried. and for a second i felt bad about how their lives have made them feel so emotional and temporary. and then i was grateful. because life should be something over which we weep. it should cause panic over ohmygod is it over already?! it's an insane gift, isn't it? glad they're learning this earlier than some. earlier than i did, for sure.

i think we're all borrowed for a second or two. snatched back at any minute. and we should all be treated as such, yes?

yes.